The two weeks prior to my departure from San Jose, and return to TN were full of anxiety, nerves, worry, and an extreme case of over thinking/overanalyzing every decision I'd made in the past three months. I think I hid my internal chaos pretty well behind my large smile and positive exterior; but to say that inside I was going insane may be an understatement. I was doubting whether I had made the right decision to stay in Costa Rica, or would I be more capable of making a difference where the cultural and language barriers weren't so strong. I was disheartened by the frustration that I felt in wanting to do more for these young women and mothers, and thinking maybe this organization could find someone else who was more qualified to serve this community. I was saddened by the idea of my parents in constant worry back home. I called Callie on the verge of a breakdown, telling her that I was thinking about canceling my flight back to Costa Rica, and joining AmeriCorps and doing a year-long project in CA instead. We even talked about moving there together. I cried to my dear friend, Carissa, telling her that I felt like I was being impulsive and careless, and begged her to tell me what the right answers were. And then I talked to my father on the phone, pretended everything was fine, and felt my heart melt as he told me that I didn't have to return to Costa Rica if I decided I didn't want to, and that though he would prefer me stay at home, he would support whatever decision I made. I closed my eyes each night, and pleaded that God make this decision clear.
And then my last day, I went to my English class in Los Cuadros. When Joselin walked in with her tiny three year old niece, whose mother was at home with Joselin's baby so that she wouldn't be distracted from her studies, my heart stopped. And when the small child smiled up at me, with three rotten front teeth that not only looked painful, but also smelt like something dangerously unhealthy, I felt my stomach fall to the floor. And then I felt someone tap me on the shoulder and it was Karen. When I turned around, I was immediately enveloped in one of her loving hugs. She made me promise that I would be back; it was as if she could sense my indecision. And she repeated over and over again, "me cae muy bien," (I really like you)... and told me she had known she would like me since the first time she met me. And after class was over, her words changed to "te quiero mucho" (I love you very much); I swear, she could read the questions that were floating through my mind. What she didn't know, however, was that in that very moment, she was answering the prayers I had been praying for weeks. After longing for a sign, a clue as to what God's plan for me entailed, she made everything clear with her raw, simple honesty. I could not tell this child goodbye; my time here had not yet come to an end.
So unexpectedly, I left San Jose with a sense of peace. I was going home. I was going to see my people; I was going to recharge my spirit; I was going to soak up every moment of comfort and familiarity. But the peace came from the knowledge that soon I would be back.
Walking down the hallway of the Nashville airport was like déjà vous. My mind was flooded with the numerous times I had made this walk before - returning from Spain, Haiti, the Dominican Republic - anticipating the warm embrace of my father. This time, however, I was pleasantly surprised; not only were my father and step-mother waiting for me, but also Callie and Coop. Immediately my fears of my little man having forgotten me were erased when I saw him trying to wiggle free from Callie's arms so that he could get to his mommy. Finally, I could take a deep breath; there is no better feeling than coming home. And since the moment I arrived in Nashville, I have felt loved to no end. While usually I am overwhelmed by the idea of so many things to do and so many people to see, these past two weeks I have felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. There is no girl in the world who has felt more loved, supported and blessed to have so many irreplaceable people in her extraordinary life.
Today, my heart is ready to return to Costa Rica to share a fraction of my wealth of blessings with the special community I have discovered there. I feel stronger, I feel lighter, and I feel capable. I am anxious not only to see how God is going to use me in the lives of the people in Costa Rica, but also to see what He is going to teach me through them.
I can't wait to share the next phase of this journey with you all.
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