I have been walking through my days this past week or so in a fog; present when I have needed to be present, but the rest of the time looking down on my life as if it was some weird movie. One of those strangely beautiful movies where there are about five different stories all going on simultaneously and somehow, through one character, they're all connected. I am that character. That person wandering from scene to scene, constantly in awe of the wonder, the horror, and the irony that makes up this world. Half of the time I am convinced that this chapter of my life isn't real, I'm just dreaming, and pretty soon I am going to have to wake up.
I was walking in the rain with Sergio on Friday, on the way to the bus after a long afternoon in Los Cuadros. He could tell something wasn't right with me; he had been asking me all afternoon, "¿Qué tienes?" (What's wrong?) I just kept telling him, "podemos hablar más tarde." (We can talk later). Then we got on the bus, stuck in the much dreaded rush hour traffic, and I couldn't hold it in any longer, "Manny is leaving on Friday, and I'm just really really sad."
For those of you who don't know who Manny is, he is another one of the angels with whom I have crossed paths in Costa Rica. For the past four months, he has been one of the only constants throughout my journey. A kind, gentle, wise man from Mexico, who has been living in San Diego since he was twelve, then has been out of the country working for Maximo in both Peru and Costa Rica for the past year. He is one of the ones who immediately made me feel secure, like I had someone I could count on, like I had something safe and familiar in this place where everything is foreign and unknown. Now, however, he has become yet another one of the magnificent people who I have met, then had to say goodbye to, as he unexpectedly has had to go home. This is fine, this is life, however, it is proving to be one of the most difficult elements of my time away. There won't just be sad goodbyes on the last day...but rather the sad goodbyes are constantly popping up out of nowhere, knocking the breath out of me, and leaving me to start the search for new people, yet again. For a girl whose best friends are her family, and the people she's known all her life, the girl who went to elementary school, middle school, high school and college in the same town, the girl who pours her whole heart into all relationships, this is getting pretty draining.
But as I talked to Sergio about my sadness, he of course, made me feel worse and better all at the same time. First he told me that what I was feeling then is what he is going to feel when I leave. He told me he wakes up every morning and remembers that I am going to leave, and asks God to please give him the strength to enjoy today with me, rather than be anxious about the future. He told me that when I got here in May, when we first met, he was about to quit - not only his job, but also his life, his faith, his everything. He felt like he was walking alone, giving his life, literally, working for a foundation where the leaders won't even do what he is doing, and walking in a community that is so dark that he was even losing hope. But then he told me that he met me. This rich, white girl who was actually excited and passionate not only about taking pictures with the cute children when they're clean and made up, but also about putting her own life in danger in order to go in the homes, love on the families, pray with the mothers, and cry with the grandmothers. He told me that when his battery was nearly dead, I gave him a new sense of purpose, hope, and determination. The crazy part is that I feel the exact same way about him.
I don't think I merit the words that Sergio pours over me; I believe he deserves all the credit. But what I can believe is that for some reason God brought us together, and I think we make an incredible team. A team who holds a 17 year old girl's baby, as she soaks up the rain water that is pouring through the walls of her poorly built shack, trying to ignore the gun shots outside. A team who can approach a group of crack dealers, with shotguns down their pant legs, and receive smiles and gratitude from them as we offer them, and their children lollipops. A team who can talk to those who are dangerous without fear, acknowledging that they, too, are people and are in need of love. A team who can bring together three older women who have no faith in anyone outside the walls of their home, foster amongst them a three hour conversation, where they support, love and understand one another... and perhaps even create through them a group of positive leaders for their community. A team who can pull together a group of volunteers who are willing to dig through trash and sewage in order to level the hill beside a woman's home so that she can add a room for her sister who is dying of a brain tumor. A team who can potentially shatter the tough, rebellious, hateful outer shell of Carolina's heart, and reach the tender, innocent soul deep inside. A team who was brought together to not only shine light into the lives of the sad families in Los Cuadros, but also into the one another's lives, offering a glimpse of beauty and goodness in a world that can often be so evil and scary. A team who will soon go down separate paths, however, who will always be together, lifting one another up in spirit. 
I get off the bus, drenched and exhausted from a day of walking from one draining situation to the next, heavy with the sadness of having to say goodbye, and maybe even wondering a little bit why I put myself in the situations that I do...and then I feel a sense of peace come over me. A sense of peace that gives me the courage to continue forward. A sense of peace that comes from the only constant in this world. A sense of peace that comes from knowing that God is with me, guiding me, and loving me every step of the way. A sense of peace that comes from knowing that the reason I am here, giving until I have nothing left, is because I hope that through my actions, my love, my consistency, someone in this community can see and know God.
So when I stop, and really think about it, it really is all kind of like a dream. I have no control. I have no say. All I can do is the best I can to use what God has given me to be the person He created me to be, and walk the path He has selected for me. When you think about it like that, it takes away a lot of the pressure. When you think about it like that, it offers a lot of peace.
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