Blessings

Nearly everyday I am reminded, yet again, why I am here. Yesterday was another one of those powerful days that left me nearly breathless.

The day began as normal with class, studying, and lots of reading, but when it was time to go to my project, I got an excited flutter in my stomach as I remembered that it was "graduation day" in Los Cuadros. Now in reality, the kids weren't actually graduating from anything; instead, we were just having a small ceremony to congratulate them on finishing their first three-month block of English classes. The "ceremony" would consist of a small presentation in which they would display to their peers and any other family or friends they wanted to invite what they have learned thus far, and then they would be handed their "diplomas."  

When we arrived, there was a gitty buzz wafting through the air as the kids nervously and excitedly went over their scripted few lines of English, and found their seats in the room. We put the chairs in a huge circle, with family and friends on one side, and students on the other. I got a taste of what the students were feeling when I was asked, on the spot, to introduce myself, IN SPANISH, to the parents and let them know why I am here and what I am doing with their children. To tell you the truth, I am not sure whether I did okay or not, because I was so nervous I just blacked out and started talking; no one laughed or anything, though, so I guess that is a good sign.

When the "presentations" began, I was absolutely blown away. Of course, precious, confident Marian set the bar high for the rest of her classmates when she went above and beyond what she was asked to do, and talked about how she wanted to learn English so that she could be a chef, and also help the people in Los Cuadros have better lives. 

The rest of the kids' presentations varied from relatively poor, to average, to so overcome with anxiety that they couldn't even begin to portray how intelligent they truly are. There was one child in particular, Jose, who I am very fond of and who scored the highest of all of his classmates on the exam. When it was his turn to present, I truly thought I was going to have to peel him off the ground after watching him faint from fear. He stood up, began to talk, then with tears in his eyes turned to me and the main teacher and begged us to let him sit down and start again later. After two other boys went, he stood up and tried again, my heart ached for the child as I heard his voice quiver, his hands shaking, and could only imagine the out of control beat of his heart. It took me straight back to the days when my teacher would call my name, my face would turn bright red, the whole class would laugh, and I would want to curl up in a ball under my desk and never come out. In the end, Jose survived, just as I did as a child, and as much as it hurt me to see his fear, the feeling of accomplishment I could see in his face proved it was worth it in the end.

And then there was Carol, a picture of success for "El Niño y La Bola," who painted the perfect picture of the power of having someone believe in you. Carol was one of the girls when I began who refused to participate. She was too cool to do her homework, and too distracted to pay attention in class. We were told that she was one of eight children who lived in a two bedroom "home" that was made of scrap wood and metal, and that her actions and attitude were the result of an extremely unstable home environment. Therefore with this in mind, we just decided to love on her as best as we possibly could, ignoring any negativity that we got in return. And slowly, but surely, this little angel began to open up her heart to us, allowing herself to be vulnerable not only to build new relationships, but also to challenge herself to learn a new language. When she stood up to present, without a family member there to support her, I felt like a proud mother, watching her broken little bird finally learning to fly. She spoke with confidence and ease, and smiled with pride as she saw the looks of shock on our faces from the progress she had made. 

After the presentations, we gave out their "diplomas." For the students who missed less than five classes, did their homework consistently, and did relatively well on the test, there was an "honors" diploma, recognizing their hard work. And for the rest of the children there was a "diploma of participation." I will never forget the look on sweet Jocelyn's face - the 17 year old girl who just had a baby - when she heard her name called for honors. She was so proud, so excited, so motivated. The hardest part, however, at least for me, was to see all of the children, so proud of themselves, but often without anyone there to support them. There were a good number of parents and siblings there, but not nearly enough for all the children that are in our class. I am not going to pretend to know what dynamics kept them from being there to support their beautiful children/siblings, or to judge them for their decisions, but I am also not going to lie and say it didn't break my heart to see Jocelyn look around the room at the other parents, knowing that the only person she had there was her little sister. And this was true for many. 

Yesterday was a great day, too. Internally, I was in a weird mood, I think just exhausted from a lack of sleep and all the flood of emotions that accompany my work on a day-to-day basis, but my project was great. I was asked by the teacher at my project to lead a two part "support group" type class during the normal two hour English class for two consecutive classes. The first was last Friday, and the second was yesterday. Though I have lot of experience doing such things, it was a very different experience having to lead this group in Spanish; it was a nice, yet scary challenge.

I spent hours last week trying to decide exactly how far I could push these 20-25 year olds, and what would be the most effective way to do it. After many drafts thrown away, I finally came up with a five part activity that I would split into two days. Friday, the first day, went great. I was overcome by how fulfilled I felt while integrating my love for therapy, for writing, for Spanish and for helping people all into one, meaningful activity. My heart was as full as it ever has been. I was amazed by how open most - of course not all - of the students were and how much they seemed to enjoy the exercises. 

Yesterday, however, was a different story. It went well, I guess, but was without a doubt much more of a challenge for us all. I began by asking them to write about a person they really admire and why... What is it about that person that makes them a positive role model? What characteristics do they have that you would like to acquire, etc... When I got a room full of blank faces, and pretty much a refusal to write from the majority of them, I decided it would be best if we split into small groups to talk about it. I was with three students, another volunteer was with three students, and the head teacher was with four students, and together we walked through the process of discovering who we admire. The three in my group began with the claim that there was no one in their lives that they trusted, admired, or looked up to. They told me that everyone where they live only looks out for themselves and so therefore they have to do the same; my heart sank. I asked who they talk to or go to when they have a problem or are afraid, and they all told me no one, they just ignore it and it goes away. My heart shattered. After some prying and convincing, together, we came up with the qualities that some people in our lives have that we admire, and I felt good about it. The rest of the class finished in much of the same way. The next activity was also difficult for them to process, and if nothing else, it was a great learning experience for me as to how to work with people who have never before been asked how they feel, what they want, or what they value. 

In the end, though I was a bit flustered and frustrated, feeling like I had prepared this activity for the wrong population, one of the girls said something that made my heart smile again. In English she told me that I was someone she admired because I was willing to share my own weaknesses, traumas, and flaws with them in order to help them, as well as grow alongside them. She told me she appreciated me for coming to help them, because I really was making a difference in their lives. She told me she was grateful she had someone like me to look up to. 

Now, I am not sure I deserve all of that, but in all honestly, it felt amazing to hear. I don't need to be complimented, or praised, but I do need to feel like the exhaustion and hard work is doing even the SLIGHTEST bit of good in at least one life. 

Today... I am content. Today... I feel like I am exactly where I need to be. Today... I feel incredibly blessed that God has placed me here and given me the resources that make me capable of doing what I am doing. 

xoxo

Cuentas

It's been a pretty great week. I think it started off well out of the sheer excitement and relief of having made my decision to stay here in Costa Rica. I know that either way, my life would have worked out well and either decision would have been a good decision, but just the fact of not having a huge decision looming over my head any longer was a wonderful feeling. I emailed Vanderbilt Monday about deferring my Master's program until next fall, they responded on Tuesday, encouraging me to take full advantage of this opportunity and that they would be happy to have me begin next year. That is the email that made everything real. Now all I need is Coop, and then all will be settled.

My days this week have been more of the usual... loving on precious children and young adults, studying and reading lots of Spanish, spending time with some new friends I have made here, and enjoying the beautiful company of my Tica Family. I have been extremely lazy, only working out once, and I went to see Will Smith's new movie on Wednesday night... clearly I didn't like it too much seeing as I feel asleep on the shoulder of my friend Manny. 

Thursday, without a doubt, was the highlight of my week. That morning, instead of having my Spanish class, I went with Sergio to do a "caminata" in "Los Cuadros." Basically, the "caminata" is a walk that Sergio does every Thursday and Friday morning throughout the slum. Some days he just walks to the homes of the children that work with Boy With a Ball, whereas others, he tries to introduce himself to new people within the area, hoping to shine a little light on their lives. Because we were with him yesterday, and the area is not the most secure of Costa Rica, yesterday, we just went to the homes of the children we know, but it was absolutely unbelievable; my favorite thing I have yet to do.

The first home we went to was the house of two little girls named Carol and Catherine. Just from working with them in class, I could see in their souls that they were struggling with something at home, but seeing their situation first hand was amazing. Sergio knocked on the tin door, and I swear the "house" shook. Carol opened the door and though we weren't invited in - her parents weren't home - I could see her house nearly in it's entirety. The entire structure consisted of two small rooms with floors made of cement or dirt - they were so covered that I couldn't tell - furniture that looked as if it was infected with something fatal, and a smell of marijuana, sweat, feces, and rot seeping from the walls, no electricity, no bathroom. Carol seemed embarrassed that we weren't there; I am not sure if it was because she was ashamed of her home, or the fact that this was the first time we have ever seen her without an inch of black eyeliner framing her eyes.

When we left her house, we proceeded to a little boy named Brian's house. He wasn't home - he was at school - but when his mother opened the door, my heart sank. She opened the door wearing underwear and a tank top; she looked worn, exhausted, defeated. Standing beside her were two dirty, smiling little boys, and glaring at us from behind her was her shirtless husband - with one look he made it clear that we weren't welcome there.Though brief, Brian's mother was kind; I can't imagine the wrath  of his father. Walking away all I could think about was how I have wondered for weeks now what the cause of Brian's speech impediment and perhaps mental delays could be; when I met his family the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together.

We went to a few other houses, loved on a few other kids, and met a few other parents, and it was more of the same. A few parents who were extremely kind and affectionate, yet had nothing to offer their children, and a few that told us instead that "they had their own stuff to worry about" and their 12 year old children were "old enough to make their own decisions." 

The last house we went to was the home of an older woman's and her children. We introduced ourselves to her, talked to the children some, and then she stopped us and asked 

, " are any of you guys counselors, or does your organization offer counseling for children?" I wanted to jump out of my skin and tell her my counseling history, but instead I practiced my self control and let her story unfold on its own. And it did. She began to tell us about her daughter, the mother of the four children that lived with her, who had been a prostitute since she was only a teen. She was out one night in Los Cuadros, when one of her tricks killed her, leaving her four children as orphans because their father had left years ago. When she told the story, I was in shock, honestly I could hardly believe the words spilling from her mouth. But then in looked into her eyes and saw a sadness and a desperation unlike anything I'd ever seen. And when she asked if we could please help her daughters child, who is currently suffering incomprehensibly, my heart broke. I wanted to scoop up this woman, and her children, and her grandchildren, and save them from this horrible nightmare that they called their life, but then I had to take a deep breath and accept the fact that this was one story that I couldn't write.... It was already written. All i could do was drown them with love, and love, and more love.

It's amazing how different the story is when you actually get the chance to meet the characters. I want to write every one of these stories; I believe this world could be a much better place if we could learn from one another's stories. I'm accumulating some pretty inspiring ones in Costa Rica. 

Xoxox,

Caroline

Just Love

"I must be willing to give whatever it takes to do good to others. This requires that I be willing to give until it hurts. Otherwise, there is no true love in me, and I bring injustice, not peace, to those around me." [Maya Angelou]

This is where I am right now... at the point where my heart is raw, open, and vulnerable; a place that is so healthy and so real, but also so scary and so risky. I am crying at the drop of a hat, not because I am sad, but just because I'm overcome with emotion. Good emotion, yet also inescapable. There is something so exquisite about feeling as though your soul is exactly where it needs to be, and you are truly living out your purpose. There is something so peaceful, so eye opening, and so fulfilling about seeing God working his magic in your life, and through you, into the lives of others. I am exhausted, a little anxious, and slightly afraid of the unknown, but I also feel an overwhelming sense of comfort and relief in the fact that I am absolutely powerless; He is in control.

To tell you the truth, if someone had told me in May that I was going to fall so madly in love with Costa Rica that I was going to defer grad school for a year, pack up my things, and move myself (and Cooper) indefinitely, I would have laughed in their face. There wouldn't have been any reason to argue, because it wasn't even on my radar. And that is proof that this beautiful life is so much more than we could ever hope, dream, or wish for; He has more magnificent plans for us than we could ever create for ourselves. I initially planned for this little adventure to end on Saturday, but as it turns out, God took the wheel and I am just trying to be an instrument of his peace and love as I just enjoy the ride.

"I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver." [Maya Angelou]

Pensamientos

This week I have been mostly in my head. Though I was a little lonely in my room alone, it was probably a good thing that no other volunteers were at my home stay this week, because I had a lot of thinking to do... some big decisions I was trying to make.

Besides being a little more quiet than usual, my week went pretty well. I had a ton of time to study and read (in Spanish), I had a great time at my projects, and I am still loving my host family a little more every day. The seventeen year old girl from my project who was pregnant, Jocelyn, finally had her baby and both mama and baby boy are doing wonderful. Though I have yet to see either of them in person yet, I am thrilled to here all is beautiful, and see pictures of this angelic, innocent, beautiful child.

Because the end of their "quarter" is coming up, while one of my projects took their big test and gave a presentation, the other class was preparing and reviewing for their final. In my older class, I was even asked by the main teacher to take the full two hours, Friday and next Wednesday, to do a "counseling group" with the students. We have noticed that the majority of the students are really struggling with their sense of self, and have been having problems finding the drive to be motivated in any element of their lives, therefore I have had the best time racking my brain to pull out whatever self-esteem, self-worth, goal setting exercises I have come across throughout my 22 years on both sides of therapy. I am nervous, yet thrilled to see how these two "groups" turn out. I have a feeling they're going to go wonderfully.

So after that high, I was pleasantly surprised yet again after having an interview with the head of Boy with a Ball. After an intense half hour in a tiny room, where I probably lost a pound from both nervous, and hot sweat, I was handed an absolutely beautiful opportunity. Jose, the Tico man who runs Boy with a Ball in Costa Rica, welcomed me with open arms into their "family," and offered me the (unpaid) position of being Sergio's right-hand woman. In other words, he told me that I could basically be Sergio's wingman... help him with all of his projects... go into the homes and help the families with him... tutor the children with him... try to help make a difference in this little part of the world that is so desperately crying for help. Though at this point I am not sure what exactly this adventure will look like, I am thrilled to have the chance to have a more hands on role with the children/young adults I have come to love so dearly.

With all of these beautiful blessings popping up out of nowhere, my mind began rumbling around a whole lot. I was having thoughts that were taking me in all different directions, that were making me overwhelmed with excitement, fear, anxiety and happiness, and I spent a lot of time in praying, begging God to help me make the right decisions.

After talking to Daddy Rodes last night, I believe I have finally made up my mind: I am going to defer Graduate School at Peabody for a year and stay here in Costa Rica. Since my first trip to the Dominican Republic, when I fell in love with the process of both learning how to navigate through the waters of new cultures, and helping those in desperate need, I have dreamt of moving to another country and doing nothing but loving on people who need it more than you or I could ever imagine. And though my plan was to do this after grad school, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I believe that I was placed in this beautiful community within San Pedro, with the most loving family in the world (besides my own), and given the opportunity to work with a Christian organization that serves people in the exact way I have always dreamt of serving for a reason. And therefore, I am going to welcome this opportunity with open arms, and I am confident this is going to be another unexpected, yet beautiful chapter of my life.

After talking to my Tico family, who begged me not to get an apartment and to stay with them instead, I have decided that I am going to come home July 26, sort out all of my responsibilities at home, get my number one man (Cooper), love on all my people at home, and then come back. Once I return, I plan to become fluent in Spanish, share my heart with as many people as humanly possible, explore more of the beautiful landscape in Costa Rica, and giggle as I watch Cooper make friends with sweet little Bianca, my host family's dog. (I already checked to make sure it would be smooth and seamless for Coop... Thank God that he doesn't have to go into quarantine and there are no other hoops to jump through, because I couldn't go on this adventure without him.)

Though it breaks my heart to think that I am not going to be just a couple of miles away from all the poeple I love most in my life, that I am not going to be around during the first few months of Dr. HH's beautiful new girls' lives, that I won't be there to celebrate the birthdays of four of my favorite people in the world (dad, Christina, Tommy and Page) and that I won't get to participate in the day-to-day lives of you all, I truly believe that right now, this is where I need to be. My heart has made it clear that this is the next chapter that God has written for me, and, though terrified, I am going to take a huge leap and just hope I make it out alive and smiling on the other side; I am confident that I will. I am confident in the fact that this chapter in my life is going to provide me with experience, and fluency in a second language, both of which will help me to touch even more lives at home.


I look forward to sharing this experience with you all.

Slow Days

This was the first weekend I haven't traveled since I have been here, and it was very nice. It was a much needed break and time to rejuvenate, re-energize, and reconnect with myself. As I have said many times, I rarely have time alone here; the only real quiet time I get is when I am running. This weekend, however, was different because my sweet friends Robin and Natasha left. Now I am the only volunteer at my home stay, which is pretty bitter sweet. It is good because I have more space, more quiet time, can go to sleep or wake up whenever I want, and am forced to speak Spanish the whole time. But it is also very sad not to have Robin sitting on the floor dipping cookies into a jar of peanut butter, giggling at my stupid jokes, waiting for me to vent about my frustrations, and just as passionate as I am about what I am here to do. This weekend was a little bit lonely.

Saturday, after making our final trip together to the artisan market together, I told Robin goodbye, then went to one of the slums I teach in to help out with a teenage girls group. Two of the girls in my English class at this location lead the group, and asked me to come help them. I am thrilled that I did. Though I made some bad decisions on my way there and felt as though my safety was actually threatened for the first time since I have been here, I made it there and had an amazing time. Every Saturday they have a different activity for these girls, in an attempt to keep them busy, give them support,  provide them somewhere safe and healthy to spend there time... This Saturday was a hip hop class. We had an amazing time. When I told them how old I was, many of the girls asked how many children I have, and when I told them none, they were in shock and asked "why not?!?" If nothing else, I am thrilled that I had the opportunity to share with these girls a different path that is available to them besides getting pregnant young, getting married, and being nothing more than a mother and wife. 

After the class, the two older girls walked me to the bus stop and waited with me until it arrived. I insisted I could wait alone for the bus, but apparently that is not an option in this area, therefore they waited with me. I spoke in Spanish to them, and they spoke to me in English. It was such a beautiful opportunity for us to be 21,22, and 23 year old girls, becoming friends, and learning together. I am looking forward to taking them to see Fast and Furious 5 next Sunday! 

When I finally got home, the house was empty. Mom, dad and the brother were at church - should've gone with them - and Karen, my sister was at a friends. Already a little lonely, when I found the note Robin left me, I burst into tears. What a beautiful gift she was. After being sad for a bit, I watched a movie, painted my nails and enjoyed a nice quiet night alone.

Sunday was another quiet day. I ate a late breakfast just with my mom, and talked to her (in Spanish) for a good 1.5 hours. She has without a doubt become another one of my long lost mothers. Already, I have learned so much from her about working hard, being a beautiful mother, having an amazing marriage, and being a kind, loving, giving person in general. She is a true miracle. The rest of the day I just studied, made friends with/fed a stray dog, read a lot, helped mom cook dinner, and then ate dinner with the fam and some family friends. It actually reminded me a lot of home... Just sitting at the dinner table, together, laughing, joking, loving. It's such an awesome experience to get to be a part of a family in a culture so extremely different from my own. 

The biggest thing about this weekend, however, was a big decision that I made about my plans for the near future. I have decided to stay in Costa Rica for the rest of the summer. As of now, I am not exactly sure what kind of project I will be a part of - I have several different options - but I do know that I'll continue taking Spanish classes and volunteering. The volunteering may continue as it is now, teaching English, may change to a more psychological project where I will work at a shelter for transvestite prostitutes, or best of all, may turn into a more hands on position with Boy With a Ball... The foundation I'm currently teaching with. Sergio, the site manager of Los Cuadros, is trying to start a counseling/group support program for the women and the young ladies in this area. His hope is to help the girls see that there is more to life than being a young mother and wife, but because he's a male, and these women don't really trust males, he needs the help of a female, who has a counseling background. My hope is that I can be this person. Only time will tell :) All I know for sure is that right now, I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing. The future is in His hands. 

Highs and Lows

It's been quite the roller coaster this week. Everything has pretty much steadied out now, but I am exhausted from the emotional highs and lows.

Monday was just overwhelming. Many of the girls I had gotten very close to left on Sunday, and a whole group of new volunteers showed up, including two new girls in the room with Robin and myself. They were fine, and have already left to go to the turtle conservation site, but it was just a disruption to the routine I have been creating over the past month. While I usually go to Maximo two hours early to read Pete's Empty Promises in Spanish, when I went Monday it was so loud and hectic that I couldn't even think. I put a smile on my face and embraced the excitement of new faces, but inside all I wanted was a taste of normalcy. By the end of the day I found myself remembering that I am not here to be comfortable and to find a simple routine. I came here because I was too comfortable with the safety and routine I have in Nashville, I believe Monday was just a little reminder from Him that I am here to grow, to push myself, to be challenged... Not to be comfortable.

Tuesday was more of the same... Not quite as overwhelming, but instead just a little lonely; lonely because I was isolating myself...I don't know what makes me do that at times, but I do. I don't know if it's because I am afraid of getting too close to people, or if it's because I just like to be with myself and think, or what... But it's a battle I am constantly fighting to overcome. I think particular day, much of it had to do with the fact that the rest of the girls, including Robin, that i have gotten close to here are leaving on Sunday, which means that challenge, yet again, of putting myself out there and opening up to new people; finding new people. When the typical afternoon monsoon began around 2, as I was waiting to get picked up to go teach, I just wanted to sit in it, let it drench me, wiping away all this nonsense that was going on inside me. But then I got to my project and was reminded that besides being here to push myself, I am here to love. As I rubbed on the belly of the 17 year old girl, Jocelyn, who is now 10 months pregnant, I was reminded that this experience is not about me... It is about showing love to the boys and girls who are just dying for a hug, a compliment; to feel safe. Pulling the smiles, laughter, and intelligence out of these closed of children certainly began to rejuvenate my spirit. 

Wednesday, yet again, started off hard and emotional. For a few hours my heart was open, raw, shattered, but then I felt the arms of the support system I have already created here holding me up. The hugs, the smiles, the love, and the kindness I received was all I needed to begin to mend the wounds. Robin and Manny, one of the Maximo staff members I am close to, came to my project with me with their sole intent to keep a smile on my face. My house mom held me close to her heart, and told me I always have a safe home with her. A complete stranger even offered me her kindness. Though these days are never fun, it is amazing how clearly you can see the people who really care, who really matter, when things get hard. Our lives are constantly being bombarded by all the evil, corruption, and violence that exists in our world, but there is truly so very much beauty as well. I was reminded Wednesday that God created us to be in relationships and to love on one another; that afternoon I felt very loved.

Finally got a picture of El Triangulo, where I teach Wednesdays and Fridays.

Then finally, yesterday was a good day all day. It was beautiful outside, I got some good time to myself to run and to read, and I also spent a lot of time with some of my favorite people here. Then at my project, I finally got one teenage girl, who has been resisting me for nearly four weeks, to open up, to smile, to accept my hugs, and to try. There is nothing more rewarding. Then the day ended with a beautiful home cooked meal with my favorite Tico family, who I already love like they're my own. 

And today was spent at the beach. Because Robin and our other dear friend Natasha leave tomorrow, I took the day off from Spanish, and we all took off from our projects, and we spent the day at our favorite beach together one last time. It's amazing the friendships that can created when your hearts are open, and we all know we are here for the same reason, with the same values. Breaks my heart that these two are in Canada, because they're two of the most precious souls I've yet to meet. They will be missed. Robin is so loved here that tonight, our family actually threw her a little going away party. We had a huge, delicious meal, homemade cheesecake for dessert, and it was great practice for me to translate the dinner table conversations from Spanish to English (RObin doesn't speak Spanish). Though the week started off pretty rocky, it ended pretty great, and though I am heart broken that Robin is leaving me and that I am going to be all alone in my room at my home stay this week, I look forward to all the wonderful things that are to come and can't wait to grow even closer to my beautiful Costa Rican family!

Adventures

Yet another great weekend in Costa Rica.

Saturday, Robin and I went on a three in one tour to a coffee plantation, the Poas volcano, and a waterfall garden/rainforest. At the coffee plantation we were given a tour of the plantation and the coffee making process. It was very interesting to see the VERY LONG process of making a plant taste as wonderful as it potentially can. After the tour, we were given a big breakfast - rice and beans, of course - and tried all the different coffee flavors this plantation made. It actually made me sad when they told me that you can't find the coffee from this plantation at any stores because all their best coffee is sent to the US, mainly Starbucks, for profits rather than kept in the country for themselves. One would think that making and exporting all of this delicious coffee would make the people rich, or at least well off, however, that is not the case at all. I wish I had been able to take pictures of the homes these people live in, but instead all I got pictures of was the beautiful plantation. Just believe me when I say the living conditions were heart breaking.

After we were full on coffee, we took another forty minute drive to the volcano, which was amazing. The Poas volcano is still active and the last eruption was in 2006. When we got there it was 10:00 and it was so foggy that we couldn't see anything, so the guide told us to walk thirty minutes to the lagoon - an extinct volcano that is now filled with water - then come back and check the view. The transformation was unbelievable. At first sight, we couldn't see five feet in front of us due to the fog; if the world was flat, this is what the edge would look like. Pure nothingness. When we came back, however, it was nearly clear; we had about a 70% view... There was smoke pouring out and it was unbelievable. Though I didn't actually want this to happen, I was secretly hoping the volcano would erupt so I could see the smoldering lava pouring from the mouth of the volcano. Luckily, this never happened.

Finally, we went to the waterfall gardens and rainforest preservation site. It was definitely the most beautiful rainy scenery I've ever seen. Though I was under the umbrella and still getting drenched, I was in awe of the lush green vegetation and the hundreds of animals that called this place home. There were monkeys, giant rats, parrots, bugs, snakes, frogs... Everything. They had a butterfly garden with every phase of a butterfly's life present. We got to see the caterpillars, the metamorphosis, the hatching, and the baby butterflies - we got to hold these. And all around our head floated the most magnificently colored "mariposas" I have ever seen. 

There was was also a a hummingbird garden that made my heart smile as I thought of my father's love for these creatures. And then we got to the waterfall garden where there were six different waterfalls of all different sizes. Not as fun as the ones we swam in, but still pretty great.

We got home around 4:00, but it felt so late. It was a long, exhausting day of bus rides, great food, and awesome views...it was totally worth it.

Sunday, yet again, we went to Jaco beach and spent the day tanning, then ate an awesome lunch at our favorite spot, Taco bar. Our bus home was full, therefore me and Robin had to stand in the aisle with about ten other people for the two hours through the mountains. It was pretty rough, but nevertheless just another fun adventure to end our last weekend together. Don't know what I'm going to do without my beautiful Canandian friend when she leaves me on Saturday.

Glowing

Some times I worry...because I open my heart so big in places like these. You may ask what I mean by "places like these," and I wish I could tell you, but I don't really even know myself. I just know that there is something different about the way that I love here, and in Haiti, and in the DR, than when I am in the States; and I am not going to lie, sometimes that absolutely terrifies me. My life is at home, my people are at home... everything I come from is at home.

But when I am here, something on the inside is different. I am not constantly being pulled in 100 different directions, and putting the pressure on myself to be doing 1,000 different things...and doing them all perfectly. Instead, when I am here, all I am trying to do is to love and to learn from those that I am loving. It is such a freeing, fulfilling feeling. I yearn to find a place at home where I can feel such peace; and the ability the do what I believe to be my purpose: to love. Because the one and only thing pulling and tugging and yanking on my heart while I am here are the people - and animals - that I love so very much back home. 

But when I am away, it is amazing the version of my self that appears. It the Caroline that I know and love the most. 

This week, as you can tell, has been amazing, yet again. I went to my same projects and loved on the same beautiful people Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday... I got to talk some to Jocelyn, the sweet 17 year old who is pregnant, and learned that she is going to be a single mom to her little baby boy; thank God she has a mother who is supportive enough to let her live at home. That is not the norm in her community. Instead, the norm is abuse, neglect, hunger, and desperation. I found myself very frustrated on Thursday when two of the girls - they are sisters - refused to participate at all, trying instead to be "cool" and "not care." But when I stopped, and looked into their eyes, I saw a sadness, darkness, and confusion that hit me in the gut, forcing me to consider what is making them behave the way that they do. Why do 12 year old girls wear too much make up and too little clothes, and 14 year olds get their lip and nose pierced? Why do children/teens act out and disobey? The answer is easy: because they're longing for some attention.. any kind. Negative is so much better than none at all. Sergio, the man in charge of this neighborhood told me that though the girls and boys may seem put together and semi-stable when they are with us, this is really not the case at all. None of these families are okay... at least not to my standards.

But then there are little girls like this one, who comes up to me and tells me I am beautiful every time she sees me; who begs me to let her draw, and to sit beside her and help her while she does; and who helps to take care of her older sister and younger brother, both of whom have special needs and are nearly twice her size. It is amazing the beauty that can exist in such a tiny, yet radiant heart. It is amazing what we can survive. I look at her, and my heart breaks; while at the very same time, I look at her, and I feel so much hope for our world. This gem is going to move mountains.

Friday morning was a disaster, which began with dumping coffee all down my favorite skirt and white shirt, getting yelled at by the owner of the store, and having to walk to Maximo appearing like a train wreck. Luckily, I was able to nearly submerge myself in the sink, and more or less get all the coffee out of my clothing before it dried, and then I was told that my project was cancelled for the day because the teacher was terribly sick. As if I wasn't already bummed enough, my heart sank when I heard the news, because Friday was supposed to be the last day of my favorite student in 'El Triangulo,' Eliezer; he leaves Monday to go work in the States for two months. But I am certain I will see this kind young man again one day.

When I was told that we wouldn't be going to the project for the day, I was also informed that one of the volunteers was throwing a party for the day care center at which she had worked for 8 weeks, and that they needed help; so I went there instead. It was amazing, but I am not going to lie, I am SO glad that I am doing what I am doing instead of working here. As much as I love loving on children, Friday afternoon was absolutely exhausting. The day care center was in a pretty rough area where no one can afford child care. Therefore, the children go to the center for free, and the women who run the center are paid by the government... and paid the bare minimum. It was clear from the moment we arrived that these children came from rough homes. Whether their version of rough was defined by neglect, abuse, or mere poverty depended on the child, however, the way in which they kicked, bit, yelled at, and disrespected us was unreal, and made it clear that they had very few boundaries, and very little stability at home. I was thrilled to be able to give them some affection for the day. There was one little boy in particular, who touched me most of all. He was probably about ten years old, and pretty big for his age. Nevertheless, he had a rainbow painted on his cheek, and scooted his chair as close to mine as he could possibly get. All I could think was how in the States, at this age, it would be mortifying for a boy or girl to be snuggled up with someone. Instead, they would act nonchalant, and like they didn't need such "childlike" things. With all of this in mind though, I put my hand on his shoulder and took a chance. When he didn't flinch, look at me angrily, or get up and walk away, I proceeded to rub his back... and I felt his body melt at the touch of affection. He sat there for nearly thirty minutes absorbing every ounce of love that poured from my hands. It was unreal.

The party at this day care center was complete with clowns, a piñata, face painting, pizza, cupcakes, and prizes galore. You would have thought the children were seeing Santa Claus, for real, standing right before their eyes. The joy, the laughter, and the excitement was unreal, and absolutely contagious. I am so extremely grateful for my time here. Not only for the opportunity to get away, meet new people, and see beautiful things, but also for the chance to learn from such wonderfully different people, whose lives may seem broken, sad or scary to me at times, yet who never fail to teach me so much about the world, and the role I want to play in it. Today, there is nowhere I would rather be.