But when I am here, something on the inside is different. I am not constantly being pulled in 100 different directions, and putting the pressure on myself to be doing 1,000 different things...and doing them all perfectly. Instead, when I am here, all I am trying to do is to love and to learn from those that I am loving. It is such a freeing, fulfilling feeling. I yearn to find a place at home where I can feel such peace; and the ability the do what I believe to be my purpose: to love. Because the one and only thing pulling and tugging and yanking on my heart while I am here are the people - and animals - that I love so very much back home.
But when I am away, it is amazing the version of my self that appears. It the Caroline that I know and love the most.
This week, as you can tell, has been amazing, yet again. I went to my same projects and loved on the same beautiful people Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday... I got to talk some to Jocelyn, the sweet 17 year old who is pregnant, and learned that she is going to be a single mom to her little baby boy; thank God she has a mother who is supportive enough to let her live at home. That is not the norm in her community. Instead, the norm is abuse, neglect, hunger, and desperation. I found myself very frustrated on Thursday when two of the girls - they are sisters - refused to participate at all, trying instead to be "cool" and "not care." But when I stopped, and looked into their eyes, I saw a sadness, darkness, and confusion that hit me in the gut, forcing me to consider what is making them behave the way that they do. Why do 12 year old girls wear too much make up and too little clothes, and 14 year olds get their lip and nose pierced? Why do children/teens act out and disobey? The answer is easy: because they're longing for some attention.. any kind. Negative is so much better than none at all. Sergio, the man in charge of this neighborhood told me that though the girls and boys may seem put together and semi-stable when they are with us, this is really not the case at all. None of these families are okay... at least not to my standards.
But then there are little girls like this one, who comes up to me and tells me I am beautiful every time she sees me; who begs me to let her draw, and to sit beside her and help her while she does; and who helps to take care of her older sister and younger brother, both of whom have special needs and are nearly twice her size. It is amazing the beauty that can exist in such a tiny, yet radiant heart. It is amazing what we can survive. I look at her, and my heart breaks; while at the very same time, I look at her, and I feel so much hope for our world. This gem is going to move mountains.
Friday morning was a disaster, which began with dumping coffee all down my favorite skirt and white shirt, getting yelled at by the owner of the store, and having to walk to Maximo appearing like a train wreck. Luckily, I was able to nearly submerge myself in the sink, and more or less get all the coffee out of my clothing before it dried, and then I was told that my project was cancelled for the day because the teacher was terribly sick. As if I wasn't already bummed enough, my heart sank when I heard the news, because Friday was supposed to be the last day of my favorite student in 'El Triangulo,' Eliezer; he leaves Monday to go work in the States for two months. But I am certain I will see this kind young man again one day.
When I was told that we wouldn't be going to the project for the day, I was also informed that one of the volunteers was throwing a party for the day care center at which she had worked for 8 weeks, and that they needed help; so I went there instead. It was amazing, but I am not going to lie, I am SO glad that I am doing what I am doing instead of working here. As much as I love loving on children, Friday afternoon was absolutely exhausting. The day care center was in a pretty rough area where no one can afford child care. Therefore, the children go to the center for free, and the women who run the center are paid by the government... and paid the bare minimum. It was clear from the moment we arrived that these children came from rough homes. Whether their version of rough was defined by neglect, abuse, or mere poverty depended on the child, however, the way in which they kicked, bit, yelled at, and disrespected us was unreal, and made it clear that they had very few boundaries, and very little stability at home. I was thrilled to be able to give them some affection for the day. There was one little boy in particular, who touched me most of all. He was probably about ten years old, and pretty big for his age. Nevertheless, he had a rainbow painted on his cheek, and scooted his chair as close to mine as he could possibly get. All I could think was how in the States, at this age, it would be mortifying for a boy or girl to be snuggled up with someone. Instead, they would act nonchalant, and like they didn't need such "childlike" things. With all of this in mind though, I put my hand on his shoulder and took a chance. When he didn't flinch, look at me angrily, or get up and walk away, I proceeded to rub his back... and I felt his body melt at the touch of affection. He sat there for nearly thirty minutes absorbing every ounce of love that poured from my hands. It was unreal.
The party at this day care center was complete with clowns, a piñata, face painting, pizza, cupcakes, and prizes galore. You would have thought the children were seeing Santa Claus, for real, standing right before their eyes. The joy, the laughter, and the excitement was unreal, and absolutely contagious. I am so extremely grateful for my time here. Not only for the opportunity to get away, meet new people, and see beautiful things, but also for the chance to learn from such wonderfully different people, whose lives may seem broken, sad or scary to me at times, yet who never fail to teach me so much about the world, and the role I want to play in it. Today, there is nowhere I would rather be.
No comments:
Post a Comment