Over the past few months, however, I have become very close with a different kind of loneliness; a loneliness that I not only find beautiful, but also beneficial. The days are still long and slow, and sometimes there's the slightest taste of sadness, but then there's also this overwhelming sense of something bright. This sense of hope that comes from at last being away from the constant movement, pressure, and expectations of home, and finally being able to be alone with my thoughts; at last getting the chance to reflect on what I have seen, what I am seeing, and how I want all these pieces of my life to shape me into the woman I am becoming - the woman I want to be. It's kind of funny, because I have run from the the debilitating loneliness that makes us feel as if we're drowning for a long time, but today I am basking this loneliness that I can anticipate myself craving one day.
It is in this sweet loneliness that I am learning exactly what my priorities, and my values are, and what fills my heart the most.
I was talking to my friend, Manny, the other day, about how amazing it is that some of the deepest, closest relationships i have made are when I am away from home, and outside of my comfort zone? This is something that has scared me for years, because my heart is truly at home with my family. It is something that has confused me, because I feel more known and understood at times, by people who I have only known for weeks, perhaps months away from home, than I do some of the people I've known my whole life. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that when I am "away," my priorities are different. There is no baggage, very little responsibility, and I am nothing other than me. I am not sure what it is about home, but when I get back there, it is so easy to fall back into the idea that's what's important is being dressed in the cutest clothes, working out excessively, getting that new car, making the best grades at the most prestigious school, being liked and accepted by everyone I meet; being perfect. When I'm away, however, and my days consist of sharing God's love with people who need it more than we could ever imagine, life seems so much simpler. My heart is so much lighter, more open, and more pure. My soul is so much more content, comfortable, and full. I am 100% me, the good and the bad, doing little other than what I believe I was put on this earth to do: give love. Thus the people I meet, meet me when I am my best, most true, most passionate self, and more often than not, they not only understand my passion, but also share my passion. They don't get to know Caroline the good student, Caroline the runner, Caroline that is constantly running around with a jam packed schedule... The Caroline beneath all the expectations, and pressures that I always seem to put on myself... They get to know the real, true Caroline.
Perhaps that's why it's always so gut wrenching to say good bye to Romano, Robin, my friends from Spain, Manny... Because they the part of me that I love the most, that I am most proud of, that I believe is the best version of myself.
My hope, is that someday soon, I can discover whatever it is I need to make me capable of being this person ALWAYS... Not just when I'm away.
I want to be the girl who is NEVER too busy to love.
The girl who is a friend, family member, or lover not when it is convenient,
But always, before I am ANYTHING else.
The girl who makes every person in my path feel loved, important, worthy and capable.
The girl who always takes care of herself.
The girl who is wise, confident, light hearted and thoughtful.
The girl who longs to know a person's story, and never, ever judges.
The girl who allows herself to truly be seen.
The girl who is giving and never selfish or too proud.
The girl whose top priority is to give love.
Oh carol snarrell beautifully written and felt! Being someone who has experienced the most debilitating kind of lonliness I have to say their is a huge difference in lonliness and being alone. Lonliness is when you feel like there is no where you fit.its when you feel like the world would be better off without you, when you feel like you are more trouble than you are worth.its when you feel like you are a burden it trains every ounce of hope and energy from your body and soul.I can say one thing for sure if there wasnt a God I wouldnt be here today. Being alone is wonderful and all the beautiful searches you so eloquently referenced.Time to reflect and realize just what it is that makes one happy and content and it does always come back to feeling needed and helping those around you no matter where you are. I guess there is a reason for the quote "to give is to receive" sometimes its your neighbor or your brother who needs it the most. You have experienced so much and learned so much for your years. Life is a continual learning process and success is never fully achieved one hopes! Being happy, indulging on occasion, kicking up your heels is part of it also. Ill never forget your great aunt telling me you can eat everything desert included as long as you just eat a little of each its all about balance.we search here then dart there until we come full circle then go now I get it alittle giving to my neighbor family member etc., then indulge and nuture myself .Balance thanku great aunt! Two steps forward one back you are still ahead.Its ok to fail too thats how the success are measured.Your wonderful and your desire to learn and grow and give is amazing .ITS OK TO BE YOURSELF EVEN IN GOOD OLE NASHVILLE because thatshthatshow you figure out whose going to be there for you and whose not! If u feel like wearing chanel wear it if u want to stay in tour pajamas all day do it just always be kind and generous with your gifts no matter what they are and you cant go wrong. You are wonderfully imperfect thank the lord above .one of my happiest days was when you brought home a c.Love, Love, Love Mom
ReplyDelete